Let me briefly tell you about myself. The arbitrary starting point of this story begins in 2008 when I was 15 years old.
At 15, during a vacation with friends, on a long night I’ll never forget, I experienced a devastating panic attack. I was completely depersonalized and derealized for 4 hours.
Depersonalization and derealization are dissociative symptoms where you no longer recognize yourself, your body, and/or reality. It’s a difficult feeling to describe, a total alienation where things and people lose their usual meaning, and everything becomes absurd. You might even struggle to understand why people have faces or what words actually are.
Emotions take over, and everything is flooded with this torrent of pure sensation, with no thoughts to “understand” or “manage” it.
It can be both pleasant and hellish. In my case, it was hellish.
I even experienced motor convulsions and small auditory and visual hallucinations. My friends at the time didn’t help much, as they thought it was something funny, when in reality it was the worst experience of my life. Among other things, I remember thinking my facial bones were a skull.
At the same time, those were the most authentic hours of my life.
I went home, told my parents everything, but the panic didn’t go away. In fact, it got worse. I began suffering from recurring panic attacks, and most of the time I was just afraid that another attack would happen. I came to realize later that it was a full-fledged panic disorder.
The attacks were devastating. I couldn’t recognize myself or the reality I was in, and I felt a disorganizing fear. I was convinced I was living in a parallel universe.
After a while, my parents decided to take me to a psychologist.
During one of the first sessions, I felt something special, beautiful.
A unique, deep sensation of disruptive truth, full of love, “beyond good and evil.” It seemed like I was sitting in the only place in contemporary life where truth unfolded, beyond costume and moralism.
Beyond the amplifications due to the known phenomenon of transference towards the therapist, something truly important happened inside me during those moments. I realized what I wanted to do with my life.
I thought to myself: “This is amazing, and I want to do it for a living.”
So, I decided that at 15, I would become a psychologist. I’ve never changed my mind since then.
It later became clear (only many years later, in a second therapeutic journey) that the panic attacks were just a symptom of much deeper, structural problems.
These problems were evident in various symptoms that had already appeared before the panic attacks and would continue for a long time afterward.
Why should this interest you?
The deep meaning is that I know what I’m talking about, not only scientifically/objectively, but also through my own skin.
This has a profound value, in my opinion.
The suffering that is accepted, patiently digested, cursed, and then embraced again – as I hope I’ve done over almost 10 years of personal therapy, which is still ongoing – can teach us so much about life.
It takes us to strange places in consciousness, making us see the everyday through different lenses, and glimpse (and embrace) the beauty and power of consciousness transformation.
However, we must be careful not to romanticize suffering!
Unacknowledged suffering that isn’t treated properly is just… suffering.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t do this job. 🙂
A person I met some time ago, with whom I shared both scary and beautiful experiences, conceptualized this “ability” as the “eye of the beyond.”
I believe a good psychologist must have this eye of the beyond, and it’s somewhat like the painful calling some priests or shamans spoke of.
But if this sounds a little too far out for you, don’t worry.
You can explore my academic credentials or the techniques I use.
Andrea Zagaria - Psicologo Clinico 